Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?