I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
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Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.