my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?