Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.