I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dating After Heartbreak
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.