Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..