why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
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everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
turn off your phone and go to bed
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god