I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
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Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!