girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.