Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.