Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.