Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
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Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.