Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
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and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
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Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.