even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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