Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
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the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Girls should come with a carfax report
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever