I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face