dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We just shotgunned beers for America
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.