my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
