i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.