You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.