Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay