There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..