I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"