Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
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We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
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the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.