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I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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