What's dad's email?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."