I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
