we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad