sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.