This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My breasts were aching with rage.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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