dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
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Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
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Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.