I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.