Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
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I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
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If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
pop tarts are not kleenex