its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.