I'm so fucking centered right now
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
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Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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