She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"