Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.