Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
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You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.