Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?