So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
