We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'