We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...