Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.