shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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