I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
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I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
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I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened