Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts