just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.