you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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