i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"