Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
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Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
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All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life