according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.